seventeen syllables

What I wanted to say to the problem student in office hours, but couldn't for professional reasons.

2006-11-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

Seriously. Please.
Drop this class. Go away. Leave
My sight forever.

Ode to the problem student

2006-11-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

Autumn grows colder
and you are the frost that chills
the classroom; PLEASE drop.

2006-10-18T15:21:00.000-04:00

Not a haiku but an experiment.
This is an early 19th century folk painting called "The Indian's Lament"

What I've been doing with my time.

2006-08-16T23:12:00.000-04:00

Springtime and summer
I was busy gestating
Now that she's born: blog!

Did it eat your paper, too?

2006-05-04T16:14:00.000-04:00

Sorry I missed class:
I was in jail for stealing
an abused puppy.

How I discovered a plagiarized term paper turned in by a normally incoherent student.

2006-05-04T16:11:00.000-04:00

The IMDB
user comments? Sadly, more
eloquent than he.

An ode to brownie mix

2006-02-28T12:18:00.000-05:00

Is there anything
finer than a still-warm chunk
of baked heaven? No.

That time of the term, when professors start to drink heavily....erm...heavily-er.

2006-02-22T14:40:00.000-05:00

Grading papers, tests:
very hard work. Dangerous
to one's sanity.

Artists are not good bosses.

2006-02-01T17:26:00.000-05:00

Linear thinking,
Organization, planning:
that's for accountants.

The first-day-of-class lecture, haiku form.

2006-01-09T08:54:00.000-05:00

A syllabus is
like a contract, except I
set all the terms-- dig?

Note to 3 year olds on how to freak out a daycare teacher: selectively quote from The Cat in the Hat Comes Back

2006-01-03T17:00:00.000-05:00

my cats have good guns!
are good shots! little pink pills!
kill all those spots! voom!

[based on a true story]

I'm not desperate for attention, but...

2005-12-28T12:16:00.000-05:00

it's sort of sad: a
quarter of my blog comments
are random spam posts.

I defended successfully! Yay for me!

2005-12-19T08:19:00.000-05:00

You can call me Doc
but don't expect me to fix
a broken femur...

Your toilet: modern convenience, or a source of lifelong learning?

2005-12-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

Home ownership means
new words & skills: johnny-bolt,
wax ring replacement.

Some historians are stupid, and some are even stupider.

2005-12-09T11:53:00.000-05:00

Those who think the past
can only be found in texts
really piss me off.

Countdown to the defense...

2005-10-19T14:08:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to stop
worrying; five a.m. is
now my waking hour.

Angry haikus after too much tv news.

2005-09-03T23:26:00.000-05:00

1.
Babies and old folks
should not die on the streets, wait-
ing for us to help.

2.
Fingerpointing--Yep.
Some "Homeland" "Security."
Money spent, but well?

3.
Poverty makes skip-
ping town for the weekend tough,
no matter when/why.

4.
This body count is
bigger than 9-11.
More will be lost. More.

5.
"Looting" is NOT when
you drive a bus to Houston,
rescuing others.

The perks of parenthood....

2005-09-02T17:43:00.000-05:00

Lazytown? more like
Hottietown, if you ask me.
Way to go, Iceland!

Time to buy a new pencil case and crisp notebook paper!

2005-09-02T13:38:00.000-05:00

Fall semester; still
warm, but cooling off. Blue sky
like cobalt, gorgeous.

air conditioning in campus buildings

2005-07-26T17:24:00.000-05:00

to wear a parka?
or a bikini? in here
you never can tell

A Hallmark card I wish I could send.

2005-07-07T13:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, even a
friend I love can really be
moronic. Like you.

My gynecologist should be cloned and distributed world-wide. Get me the WHO's number, dammit!

2005-06-29T13:53:00.000-05:00

Seriously, no
other lady-parts doctor
can compare to him.

[And, unfortunately, I have had ample opportunity to comparison 'shop.']

Found Haiku: Minivan Jockey edition

2005-06-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

Tamarack, Oakhurst,
Bethel Christian Church. Day Care.
Dry Cleaners. Starched shirts.

Found haiku #2, no explanations needed I think

2005-06-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

Raymond peed in the
Potty! What a big boy, he
pee'd in the potty!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

2005-06-15T23:24:00.000-05:00

"Mastering Abun-
dance...getting what you want by
having God serve you"

The amazon.com review says "You will be able to draw to you: love; money; house; cars; boats; jobs and careers etc... Whatever your heart desires can be yours!"

I only read the review, and damn if it didn't work! Looks like the NHL is gonna play this year. Thanks God! Thanks Nzhinga Moses! Hey...if God serves me, do I have to tip Him? 15 percent or 20?

Just send me to Gitmo why don't you.

2005-06-15T08:31:00.000-05:00

Drilling old fillings.
Installing temporary
Crowns of sandpaper.

[Update: it didn't hurt today, even though the dentist spent 2 hours removing most of two molars in preparation for crowns. You rock, Dr. Dentist-Lady from the UP!]

Memo to Katie Holmes: he's crazier than batshit, but I don't have 'scientific' proof.

2005-06-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

Lately Ol' Tom Cruise
seems even more jacked, but I've
never liked that guy.

Further memo to Katie: My hypothesis is based on observations of dates in the past. You probably don't want my lab notebook, and you really don't want to replicate my experiments. Just trust me, he is off his nut.

This is my quest: not to have to teach Medieval Art next year. Here's why:

2005-06-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

All I know about
the Middle Ages: Monty
Python's Holy Grail.

Thursday afternoon, when you work at home, has drama of its own.

2005-06-09T16:03:00.000-05:00

Bird flies into my
office window--closed--bonks beak,
scares me half to death.

[S/he flew up to the tree right outside my window after, like, "yeah, man, cooool, I meant to do that," but I doubt that the other birds were convinced.

Once, while golfing w/my husband, I failed to calculate the height of the golf cart's roof vs. the position of my forehead and knocked myself on my own ass. It was the damn baseball hat's fault. If I hadn't been wearing it I could have seen, and would have BEEN REMINDED that GOLF CARTS HAVE ROOFS. One dork knows another. I can totally see through that bird's act.]

To my family and former students who send me email about Hillary Clinton being 'evil.'

2005-06-07T13:14:00.000-05:00

Afraid I'm one of
those damned liberals, so don't
waste your time on me.

[really, how could they not have figured that out already? sheesh....]

Writing a dissertation=hard. Procrastinating=easy.

2005-06-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

I need to check my
email twelve times an hour!
And yahoo! headlines!!

American Idol's Simon Cowell has nothing on the academic conference/journal/grant/job rejection letter

2005-06-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

Here are my all time favorite (by favorite, I mean the best examples of unintentionally insulting) rejection letters, content distilled into haiku form.

From a recent conference paper submission:

"Many grand ideas
were rejected, but yours was
not among that crowd."

or, from the American Studies Association two years ago:
"Seventy-five of
one hundred were accepted--
great odds--but not you."

Thoughts on middle aged living, vol. 2

2005-05-20T12:44:00.000-05:00

Our new china hutch
makes me weep with joy; display
of tchotckes is grand.

Can you smell what the prof. is cookin'?, or the Academic Misconduct Smackdown

2005-05-16T16:04:00.000-05:00

You wanna talk smack
at me about your grade, dude?
Take it to the dean.

Home ownership is not for the fainthearted or the acrophobic.

2005-05-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

Are those shingles by
the vent coming up? Better
get out the ladder...

I transcribed this found haiku. Let's call it "Why it's bad that 2 year olds can talk."

2005-05-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna go
to daaaaaaycaaaaaare! I want to stay
home with you, mommy!

I have to share this link with you, even though I posted this comment at Hulk's Diary originally.

2005-05-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

Kitty wars aside,
Little Squee, objectively:
THE. CUTEST. KITTEN.

Ann Taylor has betrayed me --their textbook demographic--with stupid low rise hipster pants.

2005-05-09T22:31:00.000-05:00

You used to make jeans
that fit a person with hips.
Now, "Gramercy Cut."

Why no reply? or, you're never too old for email anxiety

2005-04-28T17:51:00.000-05:00

does silence mean my
advisor is busy, or
that she hates me now?

Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream? The minivan can.

2005-04-26T15:27:00.000-05:00

If you fear to buy
one because it's "not cool," you've
lost your shot at "hip."

All I know is, my lumbar region has never been better

2005-04-25T15:28:00.000-05:00

My chiropractor:
bone doctor, witch doctor, or
maybe just genius?

The first comment received on seventeen syllables

2005-04-22T16:05:00.000-05:00

is it a nice note,
or sarcastic and cutting?
only x can tell....

Make a statue of that woman and paint it gold!

2005-04-21T12:55:00.000-05:00

Hairdresser who knows
how to do a razor cut
and is not afraid

the peter principle

2005-04-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

personality
disorders seem to inspire
promotions, sadly

I'm Netflix' "beeyatch" now

2005-04-13T17:18:00.000-05:00

Blockbuster, you had
your chance with me years ago--
your late fees still blow.

Two and a half weeks 'til the semester ends--but who's counting?

2005-04-12T17:37:00.000-05:00

documentary
videos: labor-saving,
educational!

Pucker up!

2005-04-05T13:09:00.000-05:00

To the inventor(s)
of Preparation H: I
could kiss you, indeed.

alka selzer plus cold medicine ready relief tabs

2004-12-02T14:01:00.000-05:00

minty, orangey
with sharp note of aspartame
be gone, runny nose

I wouldn't do this for just anybody....

2004-12-01T16:18:00.000-05:00

After Raymond ralphed
in his hair, his pjs, all
over the bed-- hugs

How often does the postman ring when he's obsessive-compulsive?

2004-11-12T14:34:00.000-05:00

Mail man, why do you
come some days at eleven,
and on others, four?

thoughts on middle aged living

2004-11-11T13:06:00.000-05:00

Lillian Vernon
your wares so appealing now
that once I disdained.